it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
