And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
