im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
