Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
mondays should just be called national damage control day
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she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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