My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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