I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
