How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
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He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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