I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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