i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
