I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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