I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
