ADVERTISEMENT

• (336): View more from North Carolina

  Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.

  Fav 13 1082 2790

  share tweet
  

• (901): View more from Tennessee

  I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  explains the nose bleeds.

  Fav 3 1083 3966

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (775): View more from Nevada

  Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.

  Fav 3 1458 2881

  share tweet
  

• (314): View more from Missouri

  the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.

  Fav 6 4500 1446

  share tweet
  

• (804): View more from Virginia

  Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony

  Fav 13 3111 1509

  share tweet
  

• (925): View more from California

  she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out

  (1-925): View more from California

  this was your mom?

  Fav 4 1555 857

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (479): View more from Arkansas

  Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.

  Fav 22 1724 1036

  share tweet
  

• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out

  Fav 13 1005 1372

  share tweet
  

• (323): View more from California

  Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"

  Fav 4 1574 794

  share tweet
  

• (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse

  Fav 3 619 411

  share tweet
  

• (651): View more from Minnesota

  So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic

  Fav 3 72 39

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (559): View more from California

  Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.

  Fav 5 100 12

  share tweet
  

• (734): View more from Michigan

  Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.

  Fav 1 62 9

  share tweet
  

• (701): View more from North Dakota

  He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.

  Fav 1 125 9

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (858): View more from California

  I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.

  Fav 0 36 31

  share tweet
  

Randomize