I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
