i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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