Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
