I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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