i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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