my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
