Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
