woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm too high and old for this...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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