So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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