I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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