last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
