I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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