He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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