Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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