Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
zippers are such a cool invention
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
