Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
