I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
