I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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