True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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