I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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