Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
