Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
