He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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