my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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