Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
