I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
