ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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