so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
