you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
