how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
