Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
