you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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