New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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