i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.