I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
