I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
