Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
