It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
