Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
