Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
