Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I am midnight drunk by noon
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
